Liekuut | Children or no (more) children? Make sure to discuss it in time

In ‘Liekuut’, which is the Groningen dialect for straight ahead or straightforward, we regularly share the perspective of one of our academics on a topical issue. In this way, we show how UG researchers are contributing to the societal debate.

One of the biggest challenges in a modern relationship is discussing if you want children or not. Research shows that for various reasons a lot of couples postpone the conversation. But what if you want to have children and your partner is of the complete opposite opinion?

Assistant professor of Demography Billie de Haas advocates for couples to bring up if you want children in time and to frequently revisit the topic. ‘Start talking about this topic in time to avoid being faced with unpleasant surprises when you are already settled and it then turns out that you are not of one mind when it comes to children. The desire to have children can change so don’t leave it at one conversation.’

Procrastination

‘Having or not having children has an enormous impact on your life. Young couples may have briefly discussed whether they want children or not. If at that point it turns out that they have differing opinions on the matter they postpone the discussion. Years go by and you move in together, buy a house, and perhaps get married. Friends and family start asking if there will be any children in the future. If you feel that you and your partner do not have the same view on children these questions will be avoided. Or, out of fear, you no longer discuss your choice with your partner but only with your friends.
Right up to the moment when your biological clock starts ticking and a choice has to be made and it appears that your opinions are too far apart. This could even mean the end of a relationship with all of the sad consequences involved. It’s also possible that someone comes off worst and has a child that they don’t want or sees their wish to have a child fly out the window.’

Investigate each other’s motivations

‘It’s crucial to know each other’s motivations when talking about whether you want children or not. It could be the case that your partner has had a miserable childhood or parents who were absent. Someone from a large family might have warm feelings regarding a future with multiple children. If you know that of one another, it will be easier to understand the fears or emotions that your partner is experiencing.
There’s also a chance that after the first child and a year without sleep and no time to yourself your opinion has changed. If your partner still assumes you are going to have a large family, it’s smart to keep talking about your evolving wish to have children. For example, the reasons you had when you were in your twenties for wanting or not wanting children might have changed now that you’re older.’

Communication skills

‘I think that many of us have actually never properly learned to talk about relationships and having children. Just like with sex education, it could have huge advantages for a relationship to develop communication skills from a young age. If you start talking about whether you want children or not early on you know how your partner feels about it. After that, you could see where you’re at once or twice a year. Do you both still feel the same or has your opinion changed and why?
We also see differences in the conversations between straight couples and LGBTQI+ couples. Since having children is often much more complicated for the latter group they are forced to talk about it more. Who will carry the baby? Who will be the biological father or mother? Straight couples usually don’t have to make these choices.’

Card game

‘When you have different opinions on having children, it’s important not to lapse into a yes/no discussion. If you start talking about it, you have to be able to do that in a safe and relaxed environment. Together with sexologist Sanderijn van der Doef, I created a card game that serves as a conversation starter. We have chosen to add questions that you wouldn’t immediately think of yourself and which make it possible to look at the topic from various angles. For example: How do you think I feel about “having children”? Why am I the one you want children with? What division of tasks do you want once there is a child involved? How do you feel about adoption / foster care / surrogacy / donor? This gives you the chance to find out what certain motivations are and you will gain more understanding for each other without explicitly asking each other the yes/no question every time.
We hope that this card game will help couples to investigate various scenarios together in an accessible way and eventually come to a choice that feels good for the both of them.’

The card game is available for €12.50 at www.rug.nl/kinderspel

Read more

• Billie de Haas
• Overview of all 'Liekuut' opinion pieces